Recall, if you will, the battle I’ve been waging against the solicitors who deluge my father’s mailbox. My pop, who has slight dementia, falls for conservative causes who write with desperate pleas for money. (“The ACLU is targeting Christians!“; “Barack, show us your birth certificate!“; “The Illegal Immigrant Superhighway is paving the way to a North American Union!“) He has donated just enough to have his name and address smeared around the scamosphere. His mailbox is clogged with like-minded PACs, religious extremists, fearmongers, race-baiters, money-grubbers and other shameless grifters.
In that last post, I reported how my sibs and I responded to all of August’s solicitors by hand, mailing more than 250 responses in all. At the time, I printed and stapled this message inside every return-reply envelope:
“My father has dementia, and would gladly give away the last of his savings to anyone who asked. PLEASE remove him from your mailing list at once and leave him in peace. Since most solicitors send repeated mailings, I’ve noted your address and will be watching.”
Firm but polite. Insistent, whipped up with honey and only a hint of vinegar. On the whole, perfectly reasonable. How did it work? Well, let’s take a look at the first two days of November:
The stack weighed 11 pounds. I repeat: TWO DAYS; ELEVEN POUNDS.
After two weeks, I cut off the mail gathering and replied to everything we had received so far in November. It resulted in 200 responses. TWO HUNDRED RESPONSES.
So this time, I intensified the message we stapled inside:
Please remove [my dad’s name & address] from your mailing lists.
We are keeping track of solicitors and will escalate our complaints unless his name is removed promptly. PLEASE STOP SENDING MAIL. Thank you.
That’s right, I said he was dead. Yeah, I went there. Also note the distinct lack of words like “you jackals” or “bastard blood-suckers.” As with the last round, I noted the names and addresses of each solicitor, marking each of their multiple offenses. Here’s the red label we slapped on the outside:
This is at least the second notice we have sent your organization.
Please remove [my dad] from your mailing list. We WILL contact your Postmaster with a fraud alert if you do not cease.
Ooh! Strong arm! Here’s the thing: In just two weeks’ worth of mail, you would not believe how many of these solicitors sent multiple requests for money. Who has the wontons to be so rude? Here’s who — this list represents any group that sent two or more mailings in that two-week window:
* American Conservative Union (7 mailings in two weeks!)
* American Federation of Senior Citizens (8 mailings! Our winner!)
* Benefit Security Coalition (5 mailings!)
* Christian Voice
* Citizen Outreach
* Citizens United for American Sovereignty
* Conservative Caucus
* Freedom America (5 mailings!)
* Freedom’s Defense Fund
* Liberty Counsel
* Malcolm Wallop (for Frontiers of Freedom)
* Minuteman Project (6 mailings!)
* National Committee Against the U.N. Takeover
* National Council for Survivors
* National Senior Action Council (6 mailings! — And I just discovered this group is a subset of the American Federation of Senior Citizens; see above for their staggering contribution to my father’s mailbox!)
* Nevada Republican Party (Why is a Nevada group looking for money in Illinois? Because villifying Harry Reid is so much fun.)
* Political Headquarters 2009
* Renewing American Leadership (Newt Gingrich)
* Safe Borders Coaltion
* State Department Watch
* The 60 Plus Association
* U.S. Border Security Council
* William Russell for Congress (This time, a Pennsylvanian seeking funds in Illinois. I guess John Murtha is a hot-button figure. For somebody.)
While I suspect that many of these groups are fronts, scams, drop-boxes and frauds, it’s possible that some of them truly exist, and truly employ hard-working, well-meaning patriots who only want the best for America. If you know anybody at any of these operations, please share with them my most heartfelt middle finger. I really need them to quit asking my father for money.
By the way, the list above doesn’t even take into account the scads of sweepstakes announcements and prize-claiming notices and “guaranteed share of 10 million dollars” letters my father receives, because I just assume those are postmarked from the Fourth Circle of Dante’s Inferno, and there’s no point trying to appeal to their decency. Perhaps I should pick up a course in Conversational Abyssal at a local community college on the chance I could catch the ear of these cloven-hoofed devils.
If the mail relents even one iota, I’ll report it here. Don’t hold your breath.